Like A Nomad

Lately I have been coming around to this feeling of being a nomad. I guess that I have felt it for some time but it is lately that the realization is actually hitting home. Haha nomads don't have homes.

I have been thinking about what is making me feel this way. Most of my overwhelming feelings these days seem to stem from a lack of structure in my life. Yeah I have work pretty set, but it is all the other time that I spend outside of work that seems to be the problem. I never actually know what I will be doing at night, I know only one thing that my dog needs to be taken for a walk and fed. Other than that it could be sitting at home, it could be movies, it could be trivia, there is no plan for the after hours.

Don't get me wrong what I end up doing in the evenings is a lot of fun. I have wonderful friends that make me laugh and live. What doesn't help with this feeling is the sense of not belonging. This isn't a belonging in the social sense as much as it is belonging to an area. I grew up in California and lived a couple of different places. I was most comfortable at my grandparents house, I spent a lot of time there even if as my family moved to different places around the county. But everything back in that place has changed. My parents house (they moved after I left for college), my grandparents house, the roads, the landscape, everything that you could think of.

I realized on my last trip to my parents that the feeling I get when I visit is more of a sense of familiarization. I know the streets and how to get around but I don't necessarily feel a sense of home. The same can be said for where I live now I guess. I love it but it never feels quite like home. I have moved housing every year for the last 9 years of my life. I hate moving! But I do it because it is what I know I should do. However this leaves a hole in my heart where that home feeling should be. I long for the day when I am no longer a nomad and that space in my heart is full, but I am not sure what will help with the filling. If I have my choice I would like raspberry creme filling like those fancy wedding cakes on TV.