Losing My Mind

Losing something or someone is never a good way to have a great day. Somethings are easily found and the day seems to get better, but there are things that you may lose forever that take a toll on ones emotions. It maybe a relationship that needs a change and you feel like it is a lost cause so you move on. Or it maybe a life the was taken because you could no longer watch the suffering.

Whatever the loss maybe it can seem to weigh heavy on your heart and your mind. You may even think how is it possible to continue from this great loss? Well like many wise people before myself have said, time can heal all wounds. That is not to say the wound will never hurt again, or that in the beginning it can't be reopened. I think of it like when my previously broken foot aches when the weather changes, just like that a loss can ache at times too. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my grandparents and the time that I could of spent with them.

Moving on can seem impossible when everything is fresh and a change is new. Forgiving someone who may have caused that loss may seem like it will never happen, but to move on you will have to forgive. Everyday that we hurt but continue to live we become that much stronger, just like a muscle that you work out and train. There are few things in this world that last forever, loss of some kind is inevitable, it is a sad but true fact. What we must focus on sometimes is Plan B, because even though we may think that there is only one path to happiness that is not true. We are blessed with multiple good ways for life to work out.

Only The Lonely

Maybe this is something that I complain about too much, but as I sit here in my apartment on a beautiful Sunday afternoon I wonder how is it that I come to this lonely feeling as often as I do. Sometimes I like to blame it on biology and say that because I am female my desire to have a family is so strong as I approach my upcoming birthday. That could be true but it is also an excuse to try and explain my feelings I guess. 

I definitely dislike this feeling though. I go to church and am filled with great feelings of the Spirit but then I come home to my almost empty house, where there always seems to be dishes, laundry, vacuuming and cleaning to get done, amongst tons of other things, and it is quiet. Quiet is nice sometimes but most of the time it just reminds me that I am lacking things in my life that I so badly want and feel that I am ready and just waiting for. I feel like I have less patience with each passing day, maybe each hour.  

Tough Decisions

Always I hate making tough choices in life. Sometimes I even hate making the small ones. But right now I strongly dislike that what dictates my life is finances.

Coming up I have the wedding of a very dear friend. I met her in college and even was around for when she and her soon-to-be husband first met. I got to watch their love grow and really just love being able to be with them whenever I can. I always feel close to them even though these days we don't get to spend much time together. I remember when they first got engaged and I swore that I would be at the wedding no matter what. I was originally planning to use my tax refund to fund my trip to the wedding. Now that I am going to owe the government money I am not sure that I can make it at all.

Even more difficult is knowing that the following weekend is General Conference and knowing that I have been planning to go in April since before I even knew the wedding date. However with this new debt that I will be owing I can only really choose one trip, and even that might be a stretch.

So I am feeling very torn, in my heart I know that going to conference and being with my branch will bring untold rewards. I want so much for things to work out all around, but I know that things don't always work that way. I guess this will take more thought and prayer and a little bit of planning before I know what is really going to happen. Wish me luck!

What's Hidden Inbetween

I was going through the profiles of suggested friends on Facebook today. There are many people that I don't know but there are even more that are friends from church and school when I was younger. Sometimes I like to see if people's pictures are available for viewing just so I can see what is happening in the lives of the people that I grew up around.

Once in awhile I get to see people's happiest moments. Everyone is happy or getting married or having babies and it is great to see. But sometimes all the happy pictures really start to make me think that everyone else has such a perfect life and my life is lacking somehow.

When I was pondering on what was so wrong with my life, as I usually do, I had the epiphany that the thing about basing people's happiness on the pictures that they have posted on Facebook doesn't give anyone the correct overall assessment of others lives. These pictures show the happy times, the party times and the fun times, and although those are important times in people's lives, Facebook doesn't show you the times inbetween.

Those pictures never show the arguments, the fights or the not so great times. But everyone has them and it can be hard to remember that at the end of the day we are all the same. We face challenges, many of us the same ones, but when we face them it is at different times. And not many of us post pictures of the sad times on the internet.

I realized that this means that I am no different than any other person. Everyone has a life inbetween those photos that are posted. What those moments consist of I am not quite sure, but I have a feeling that those moments are actually just like mine just with a couple of variables.

Financial Woes

Of all the things that I want to talk about, the thing that is weighing the most in the front of my brain is my current tax season debacle.

I am at a time of great financial difficulty. I sometimes find that I am very jealous of the financial situation my parents had when they were my age. Though they have never been any kind of well off, at least at my age they had each other and an income that could cover their families needs. I have bills, bills and rent and only my income to support it.

I know somewhere deep down that I can do this. I can turn around my current financial situation with hard work and dedication to the task at hand, but I constantly feel the pressure. This is exactly why we are always cautioned to stay out of debt and this is the express reason why. I constantly feel like I am drowning. No wonder the real estate term for a house that is worth less than it's debt is called "under water".

The biggest stress is the feeling of never being able to get out. Just when I think that I got the situation under control the government needs more of my money, I mean what is that all about. Or the doctor charged me for services that weren't part of my preventative care.

So the current solution is that I will work and work hard and hopefully soon I will be able to find a second (part-time) job, at which I can work a little more and start to make a dent in this small iceberg of debt that I currently have. It is like anti-global warming in my wallet.

In the end, I know that this is a sacrifice that I must make, for not only my health and stress levels but also to increase my quality of life. I want to travel and can't, I am even looking at not being able to attend weddings and conference which are very important to me. And even more than that, I am looking to get married, not anytime in the near future, however when the right guy comes along I know that I personally can't marry him until this debt is taken care of. It is very important advice that I received that I wish I would have listened to long before this.